ANNETTE: There's not enough room in here to swing a cat.
JAZZ: But judging by the stains on the wallpaper, the previous owners' tried!

JAZZ: With your luck, you could have had half the girls in our town.
MIKE: Only half?
JAZZ: Well, you'd already had the other half!

HARRY: You could have a whale of a time sacrificing virgins on the altar. I've already done a couple here myself!
JAZZ: (FLABBERGASTED) You've sacrificed virgins?!
HARRY: Not with a dagger my son....With another tool of the trade. Lots of young virgins come up to me, asking for advice. They're confused, unsure whether it's right to have sex before marriage. So I take them to one side and solve all their problems. Now that's what I call serving my flock. It's of even greater community benefit that kicking in a few Mods on bank holiday.

ANNETTE: You're very late, Jazz. Where have you been?
JAZZ: I thought we agreed not to talk about my old flames.
ANNETTE: (SHOCKED) What about your old....? (SHE BREAKS OFF AS SHE REALISES JAZZ IS BEING MISCHIEVOUS) ....Oh dear, you're in one of those moods again.
JAZZ: Seriously, it would be easier to tell you where I haven't been.
ANNETTE: That's okay, I knew that when I married you.

MIKE: You know your trouble, Jazz? You worry too much. I bet you even take all your problems to bed with you.
JAZZ: Well, Annette won't sleep on her own.
MIKE: What you need is something to take your mind off things - like a hobby. Something you can do for pleasure.
JAZZ: But I already have something.
MIKE: What's that?
JAZZ: Worrying!

ANNETTE: (WAKING UP BUT STILL HALF ASLEEP) Who were you talking to, darling?
JAZZ: Only myself.
ANNETTE: Oh, no one important, then.
JAZZ: I was just having this wonderful dream.
ANNETTE: That's not allowed now you're married.
JAZZ: I dreamt I had just proposed to the most delightful girl in the world.
ANNETTE: And did I have the sense to say no this time?

SHARON: (ON THE TELEPHONE) Well, what do you make of ten across, then? (READING STILTEDLY:) Human organic waste. Starts with S.......Yeah, that's what I put, but that's only got four letters! Besides, they wouldn't print that word in The Sun - not without asterisks, anyway, and they don't fit too well in crosswords.......Never mind, I'll get Mr Jasmine to help me when he arrives.......Does he fancy me? Something rotten! He said that, with experience, one day I could be as useful to him as acute angina......I know, talk about forward!

MIKE: You get crapped on more often than Nelson's Column.
JAZZ: Not always. This morning, for instance, I was mugged.
MIKE: And what happens on a bad day?
JAZZ: "Your money or your life", he said. Well, the more I thought about this request, the more reasonable it became; when I got married, my wife demanded both!

JAZZ: Spontaneous though it may not be, the condom still has distinct advantages over the pill.
OLD TRAMP: Oh, I don't know - have you ever tried getting a girl to swallow a condom? The pill's a wonderful invention. Not only does it keep the sprogs in check, but it also makes your girlfriends drop dead at precisely the moment you're tiring of them. I make sure all mine are on it.

HARRY: The Church is old hat. God's out nowadays, my son.
JAZZ: That explains why my prayers are never answered.

SONIA: (REFERRING TO A FOOTBALL-PLAYING EX-BOYFRIEND) Geoff....Now he really could play. He was a striker and boy, did he know how to hit the mark. Give him half a chance and it was in there. Do you know, he once scored ten times in ninety minutes? For me, it was his timing that made him a bit special. He knew just when to hold off and when to come through with a spurt. Then, alas, one day it was all over. He was in the throes of shooting when he overstretched and gave himself a groin strain. It was terrible. I had to help him off before the substitute could come on. Of course, he tried making a comeback, but blow football was about his limit.

JAZZ: Do you have as much trouble recognising your boyfriend, Sharon?.
SHARON: Oh no, I soon know it's him when his hands wander. Just as well really - he don't half change his appearance a lot!
JAZZ: I'll make a note of that!

MRS TURNER: (UNCONVINCINGLY) Seriously, James, this place is very nice....as a whole.
JAZZ: As a hole, it's superb; as a house, it's useless! You may be thinking this is a sunken lounge - in fact, it's just subsidence. How many other places do you know where you have to go downstairs to get to the attic?

MAJOR: The secret is that I'm always mindful of what they taught me in the SAS....(THEN, QUICKLY:)....Not that I was ever in the SAS, you understand....No, no, no, no....I meant, I'm mindful of what they would have taught me in the SAS, had I ever been there....Which I wasn't....Ever!
KNIGHT: And what was this pearl of wisdom they never taught you?
MAJOR: Be prepared! It's their motto, you know!
JAZZ: I thought it was 'Who dares, wins'.
MAJOR: (THINKING ON HIS FEET) Ah, well, they changed it! Both are good advice, though!

JAZZ: (REFERRING TO A BOTTLE OF PINK CHAMPAGNE) Not for me, thanks. I've come across this particular brand before - the little known, but appropriately named, Paul Crudle. It looks delightful, smells gorgeous and tastes foul....Just like a girl I knew, actually!

LESLEY: Did you know that, when hunting, the polar bear disguises itself as a pile of snow?
JAZZ: Really? So what does the brown bear disguise itself as?
LESLEY: Er....I dunno that one!

GUARD: Is this one of your famous pleasure jaunts, or are you taking the wife along as well, sir?

JAZZ: Did you remember to type up that letter I left you?.
SHARON: Yeah.
JAZZ: So you did. In fact, you typed three. Well done, Sharon, that's nearly half a word!